When Hope Fails
by Blind Bird
Summary: She had lost her entire family; the man she loved used her. She is now on death's door, believing she has nothing left. Can she find her way out of her dispair and find hope again?
1. Chapter 1

Reviews are welcome. Look forward to what everyone thinks.

She was an outsider, not even born in the city. She was a refugee from a broken land. She broke the rules. Apostates were here friends. She didn't care. The ragtag band she had brought together had become her family, the rock she needed to lean on. Yet, she alone had proven that it didn't matter where you come from, you can do great things. She would protect them all, no matter the cost. Even if she would die in the process, it did not matter to her.

The battle was over. She had given it everything she had. She had known from the beginning she was no match for the Arishock. She would not give up. Her companions watched from the sidelines as she struggled, pulling every trick she had ever been taught as a rogue. He'd only been able to get her a couple of times, and they had only been small cuts. She was doing really well, striking here he was weakest.

She though she almost had him; until he came at her; striking a deep gash in her leg. She went for a healing potion, only to find that she only hard a lesser potion left. She quickly drank it, the cut healed a little, but not even to make too much of a difference. He was on her again before she knew it. His blade went through her chest. The pain was excoriating. When he pulled it out she dropped to the floor. She was unsure if she would be able to get back up.

She looked up and saw the Arishock above her; she saw the gleam of his blade as he swung, what everyone thought, was to be the final killing blow. Without realizing it, she had rolled and brought her own dagger up and into his chest, at the same moment his blade hit the ground.

Shock and dismay formed in his eyes, and he fell to his knees. The all feeling left his body, he dropped to his back, his last words were but a whisper, and "We shall return…" She remained standing, as everyone gave their thanks, granting her the new title "Champion of Kirkwall". She then managed to walk out on her own two feet. Once they were outside the doors she collapsed. She welcomed the oblivion, feeling relief as the numbness washed over her. The pain receded, leaving no feeling left. Her last conscious thought was of her love. That reason alone she hoped to finally find peace. It hurt too much to see him, to fight by his side day in and day out. They had one beautiful night together, but he remembered things from his past. He said it hurt him too much, and he couldn't be with her. IT wasn't enough for him to reject her though. He had been cruel, telling he didn't want her. That she was not good enough. She had mage blood in her veins. He left her then, broken on the floor.

She hid her misery well. Never telling anyone what had truly happened that night. Every one of her friends knew something had happened though. They saw her change, turning into herself and away from others. She would lash out in battle, not thinking, more like a blind fury as she fought. As if she didn't care if she lived. If someone were to have asked, she probably would have told them that she didn't care. What was the point her entire family was dead, and the man she had loved, turned his back to her.

As she collapsed to the ground only one person heard the pain in her soul as she quietly cried out, "Please just let me die. I don't want to feel anymore." Varric blanched, anger rising from the pit of his stomach. **I'm going to kill that elf**, he thought to himself.

Anders had already reached down and picked her up. He handed her to Aveline. "Take her to her house. I'm going to grab some supplies from my clinic. I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Wait Blondie, I'll go grab what you need. Stay with Hawke, she needs you. I don't think she wants to live. You have to be with her in case…, in case she gives up." Varric stated sadness in his usual sarcastic voice.

Anders stared at him for a minute, taking in his words. "I'm going to kill him! He did this to her. I know it!"

"We'll deal with later. Right now, Hawke is our priority. Let's save her first!" Aveline screamed at them. She has started running, clutching Hawke to her. She had been Aveline's friend for the last several years. She had been there when Wesley died. That was the same time her brother, Carver had died too. They had formed a bond. Brought together by death and the Blight, they stayed together because of a friendship forged through blood. Hawke had never abandoned her and she would be damned if she didn't see Hawke through this.

She was running up the stairs to Hawke's room before she knew it. She helped Anders remove her armor. Anders gasped when he saw the whole in her chest. The blade had barely missed piercing her heart. She was lucky to still be alive. He began examining her trying to find all her injuries.

"Damn where is Varric? I need those herbs now! I don't know if I can kee..Oh Maker!" Anders froze, disbelieving what he just found. He checked again to be sure.

"Anders, what is it? Can you heal her? "Aveline asked.

"I,..I,..oh Maker! She's pregnant…" He couldn't finish.

Sebastian, who had come in right as Anders said that, looked up to face him. The look on Anders' face said it all. The baby didn't make it.

"Why did she fight? Did she know? Oh Hawke." Aveline stood stunned, trying to comprehend.

"No, I don't think she knew. She's-she was only a couple of months along." Anders replied quietly. Tears formed in his eyes as he looked down at his broken friend. His mind went back to when he first met her, when they first became friends.


	2. Chapter 2

_He had been working on healing a young boy. The child had fallen and hidden his head. He had been knocked unconscious and had yet to wake up. He had just about finished healing the boy when he felt a group approach. They seemed to be protected by some sort of shield and he could not get a reading on their intentions. MAGIC, he thought. He had automatically assumed it was the Wardens. He grabbed his staff and turned around. _

_"I have made this place a sanctum of healing and salvation! Why do you threaten it?" He stated feeling Justice rise up within him. A woman with red hair, coming down to her chin, stepped in front of him. No, not in front him, in front of a young woman. The source of the shield. The woman had taken a protective stance in front of her. Did she not know that the young woman behind her was more powerful than she could ever be? He looked into her eyes, noticing they were a stunning dark blue. _

_"We mean you and everyone here no harm. We are looking for a former Grey Warden, Anders. From the wonderful healing I just saw, I would say it is you. My name is Kaylana Hawke." Her eyes twinkled as she spoke._

_His original plan was to stun them and run, before they had a chance to attack. Now that he knew they weren't Wardens or Templars, he wasn't sure to do. _

_"What are you spies sent by the wardens?" He firmly stood his ground._

_Hawke just smiled. "No, and we won't take you anywhere either. We came here hoping you could help us. I've been told you have maps of some entrances into the Deep Roads."_

_"Yes I do, but why would I give them to you?"_

_"I can pay you for them, or trade."_

_How about a favor? You help me out and I'll give you the maps." He didn't think she would agree to it. _

_"What is this favor that you ask?" Curiosity hidden on her face. _

_"I have a friend; his name is Karl. He is the reason I came to Kirkwall. I need you to help me break him out. He has agreed to meet me in the Chantry tonight. If you are serious meet me there tonight." Looking at her he could not gauge her reaction, what she would say. _

_The long copper-haired woman to Hawkes right seemed disturbed by the idea, while the dwarf holding a grand crossbow gave a sly smile. The young woman Hawke seemed to be protecting looked scared. Hawke herself gave a masked expression he couldn't see behind. _

_"I would let no mage be chained to the circle if I could help it." Hawke grabbed the young woman's hand in a reassuring gesture. It was then he understood the bond between the two. You would know to look at it, with the young woman's black hair and golden brown eyes, a stark contrast to her companion. They were sisters. _

_They met at the Chantry that night. It was supposed to be a quick in and out. But it ended with a futile attempt. Karl had been made tranquil, and the Templars were waiting. Justice had come out right be before the battle began. Justice seemed to bring the Fade with him when he emerged; when the battle was over, Karl seemed to be released from his tranquility. Karl had begged him to kill him. He couldn't live being disconnected from the world. _

_"My father told us of the Tranquil. He called it a fate worse than death. Let him go now, so he can join the Maker." Hawke said coming up beside him. _

_He had thought he would never see them again. After his (little) Justice outburst, he was pretty sure he had scared them away forever, or they thought he was some sort of abomination they were going to kill. _

_She came. Her and her sister Bethany. It was a show of support, though at the time he didn't know who for. _

_"So what's up with the blue glowy thing you did back there?" She asked with a smile on her face. She meant to comfort him, he'd noticed. _

_He cleared his throat. "That was Justice. He's a spirit from the Fade. He was forced into this world by dark magic." Anders looked down, not wanting to see the looks on their faces when he told them his tale. What he had done. "He had put into the body of a dead Grey Warden we were looking for. He had been so shocked by what had happened; he didn't believe it at first. Somehow he was able to see all of Kristoff's memories, and he became angry wanting justice for the wrong done to him. So he agreed to stay with us until he could accomplish his goal and return the body for a proper burial. _

_"As time went on we became friends and he saw the injustice that mages went through. After we killed the Broodmother, he said he wanted to help and join the cause for mage freedom. We joined together." He spoke the last sentence so quietly he was barely heard. _

_"I just wanted to help my friend; s he wanted to help me. He was no demon, he was a spirit, and he had spent his entire existence in the fade. He had never had any desire for the mortal world. Until he met me. I thought a willing host a friend..," his voice trailed off. He looked up then expecting to see degust and anger on their faces. But he saw neither. He saw compassion, understanding, and what he thought was… acceptance. Hawke smiled at him. He cleared his throat and continued._

_I had too much anger, and pain. He changed and is no longer my friend Justice. I can only hope that one day I can repay his sacrifice." He looked into her eyes, awaiting her final judgment. _

_It seemed like forever before Hawke finally spoke. "I understand what you were trying to do. Though what happened was not your intention, the motive behind your action was good. I do not believe that your friend will hold what happened against you. You are not alone Anders. We are here and we will help." Hawke then reached for his hand. _

_"My sister is right. No one is alone as long as they have that to hold onto. Especially with my sister. She'll jump down the whole with and drag you back up screaming if she has to." Bethany smiled at her sister. _

_That was it the beginning of the best, if not oddest friendship he had had. The group that Hawke brought together, she seemed to be some kind if glue that attracted and held this group together. She became his family. She always tried to respect everyone's feelings and in some way or another everyone owed Hawke for saving their hides. That was why losing Bethany had been so hard. Hawke didn't take him with them on the expedition. _

_He had been waiting for them when they came back. He saw Hawke carrying Bethany's body toward her home. Always the rogue she had hidden all emotion. Her face was that unperceivable wall that no one could decipher. He had felt so guilty; believing if he had gone maybe Bethany could have been saved. He knew the wardens were in the Deep Roads digging up something. He could have brought Bethany there. She could have undergone the Joining. There would have been at least a chance. _

_Hawke had never once held that against him. She told him it was not his fault, and they grieved together. He knew she held back, taking a lot of the blame on herself. He knew it had gone back to Carver. She believed she let both of her siblings down. Then Fenris became prominent in her life. She fell in love with him. _

_Then Leandra died. It tore Hawke apart. She was just about inconsolable. Fenris was the one to bring her out. She gave herself to him. And still in her grieve, he ripped out what was remaining in her heart and shattered her. _

_He saw her with the Qunari leader. She held no fear. It was as if she was daring him to kill her. He had almost succeeded. _

Released the memories that flashed before him, he looked down at the woman who had been through so much, but had given as much as she could.

"I will not let you die. Do you understand me." He was speaking fiercely, commanding her to live. He was not sure if she could hear him, but he hoped she could. "You are not alone. I am here and I will help you."

"Let me die. I am not worth it. I don't want to feel like this anymore. It hurts too much. Just let me die."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

He picked up his cup and downed the last of his ale. He knew Hawke had won against the Arishock. He heard the cheers and chants of victory start about an hour ago. They praised her name. The Champion of Kirkwall was her title now. He smiled at that. She was just a Lowtowner when he had met her, trying to scrape together the coin to be a partner in an expedition. Now she had fame and fortune. He had tried staying his distance at first, but she seemed like a light guiding his way. He fell for her. It had taken him a long time to admit his feelings for her.

Fenris swallowed the last of his ale, remembering the only time he could remember being truly happy.

XVXV

_He had been waiting for her at her estate. He had been there for an hour. He'd tried sitting and being patient, but he never was that kind of person. So he paced. He was pretty sure he was going to wear tracks in the carpet. He'd been so nervous, wondering if she would accept him, love him back. He half hoped she would turn him away. If that were to happen he would never have to worry about these feelings again. He could go through the rest of his life alone not having to worry about anyone else. It wasn't like he was looking for love or anything to begin with, but these happened on their own, normally without warning. _

_He let a smile come to his face as he thought of her, and when he first realized he was falling for her. He had tried to hide his feelings, push them aside. Her views on mages would infuriate him, but he loved seeing her golden eyes flash with fire when she went into battle defending and protecting them. If it weren't for Hawke being his friend, Fenris would have turned the abomination Anders into the Templars or killed him himself. _

_He shook his head. This was not what he wanted to be thinking about right now. It was his time with her. To tell her how he felt, that he wanted to be with her if she would have him. He had been practicing what he had wanted to tell her on the way over. How he would say what he felt, that his body and soul ached for her. _

_Lost in his thoughts as he was, he almost didn't notice when Rupert came bounding through the door. He ran right past him, straight to whom Fenris could only imagine was Sandal. He was not disappointed when a moment later he heard "Enchantment!" and the enthusiastic clap that followed. _

_"Fenris?" Her voice rang clear, the question clear._

_"Hawke…," it was just a whisper, but he moved towards her, wanting to feel her in his arms. He reached for her, pulling her to him. _

_"I was worried about you. I went looking to see if you were ok. I know what happened with Hadrianna was hard. I am sorry." She looked into his eyes, were warmth and acceptance flooding through him. All he wanted was her. _

"Damn you elf! What did you do to her?" Varric's voice broke through his memory, startling him.

"I have done nothing. What is it this time dwarf? New story not going well?" Fenris asked. "Where is everybody? I thought they would have come here to celebrate after the victory?"

He didn't see it before he was flat on his back. He looked up, confused eyes staring Varric down. "EVERYBODY as you state it, are up at Hawke's estate, while she is flat on her back about to die, and not caring." The storyteller looked like he was going to hit him again, but got control of himself before continuing. "Hawke killed the Arishock, but he got her too. She might not make it. With the way she was talking she doesn't want to. Whatever you said to her, really took. I came for supplies, because it is closer than Blondie's clinic." With that he turned and walked away, leaving Fenris to his misery.

XVXV

By the time Varric had returned to Hawke's estate, the rest of her friends had arrived. Well minus the glowing elf that is. After he had given Anders the medical supplies he had retrieved, he went into the library. He needed to think. He knew Hawke was strong, but he didn't realize how much she had been able to keep locked up and hidden from everyone.

After everything her and her family had been through, one would think that she deserved some peace, some happiness. She worked so hard to get this estate back for her mother, only for her to be murdered a short time after reclaiming it for her. She had lost her entire family in less than a ten year time span. All of which she had seen pass to the Maker. How a person could live through that and not lose a piece of themself was beyond him.

_Maybe we just didn't see how broken she was. We all thought she was so strong, able to take on the world without a second thought. _Varric threw the book in his hands against the wall. "Dammit woman, don't you dare give up! I'll barge into your damn fade and drag you out. So you hear me!"

"The Maker hears you. He will watch over her. If it is his will, he will bring her back to us." The prince of Starkhaven spoke for the first time since Varric had entered the library.

"Hmpf. Well He better see fit to bring her back. She deserves more than this." Varric said as he left the room. "I'm going to see how she is doing. This waiting is driving me crazy."

As Varric arrived at Hawkes room, he saw her mabari lying outside the door. "She'll be ok. Once Blondie is done, she'll be good as new." Varric wasn't sure if he was trying to comfort the dog or himself. Either way, neither believed the words. It wasn't just that she was hurt; it was that she had given up. She had given up hope.

Varric walked in the room where Anders and Aveline, stood beside the bed. Anders was no longer healing her.

"She has all the healing I can give her. It's up to her now. Her body rests here, but her soul is in the fade. She has to fight her way back to us." Anders said before Varric could ask.

"What is she doesn't want to fight anymore? I think she has given up."

"Then it won't be long before she passes from this world. Her body cannot survive without her spirit. If she chooses not to fight, then she will die."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Sorry for the short chapter, wanted to get something out, but seem to have a bit of a block. I'm hoping it won't last long though. Enjoy!

Chapter 4

Fenris arrived at his estate in the wee hours of the morning. He had drunk himself into a stupor after his confrontation with Varric. When he reached his room, he went to the trunk he had at the foot of his bed. He reached inside and pulled out the scarf he had taken from Hawke the night they shared together. It was soft and still smelled like her. He wasn't sure what to do. He wanted to go to her. To hold her. He hadn't heard anything. Kirkwall had yet to hear that she was hurt. They praised her, the Champion of Kirkwall. Yet not a one of them knew she maybe dying.

He cursed himself. He had seen her fighting, knew the hurt she was feeling was causing her to be reckless. While she still had him come with them when they went on mission, she never sent for him herself. She had barely said anything to him since that night. She had been pleasant enough. But would avoid him she could. But then he had done the same. He had tried to go to her when her mother was murdered, but she all but kicked him out the door.

As he lay down on the bed, he closed his eyes, his thoughts were on Hawke. He never even noticed the figure in the corner of the room.

His eyes shot open a second before he was hit with a magical bolt. He fell back against the bed, his eyes beginning to close as he descended into darkness.

"You never should have hurt her. It's all your fault." Those were the last words he heard.

XVXV

The night passed by slowly at the Amell estate as Hawke's friends waited to see if she would pull through. Her breathing became even, and her wounds were healing, but she was growing paler. Though Bodhan tried to get them all to go home and rest, knowing they were all tired from the Qunari attack, they all refused, saying they needed to make sure Hawke would be alright. Knowing that was a useless battle he had the guest room made up and food prepared. He refused to let their exhaustion take over and all but forced them to eat and sleep.

They took turns staying with Hawke that night, terrified that she would slip away. By the morning they all felt relief when she had made it through. Orana was staying with Hawke as the group gathered in the dining room for breakfast, at Bodhan's urging of course.

"Her body is healing well. Though she will have scars, they wont keep her from doing what she does best." Anders stated, his face looking grim. "It is her spirit that worries me. She seems to be an empty shell; the Hawke we know is not there."

"Then is there nothing we can do? Are we just supposed to sit here and watch her fade away? We cant do that! There had to be away to get her to come back to us." Aveline was frustrated; she was used to problems her sword could fix.

"Without the glow she will be forever lost."

Everyone turned around seeing Sandal in the doorway.

"What do you mean, what glow?" Merrill asked. "She not glowing is she? That would be strange."

"Oh Daisy, I don't think he means Hawke herself is glowing." Varric said.

"Sandal, what do you mean?" Aveline asked.

"Follow the light. Follow the light."

"What light? Tells us what you mean." Aveline said.

Sandal shrugged, "Enchantment!" With that he left and went to play with Rupert.

"Anyone else think the dwarf is a little on the creepy side?"Anders asked.

"Most definitely." Sebastian replied.

XVXV

Anders had gone upstairs to see to Hawke, it was time to change her dressings. When he got to the room, he saw that she was getting paler. He quickly changed the bandages, whispering to her. When he was done he looked down at her, his expression sad. _She is not long for this world. Her spirit is in the fade, but it will not stay there much longer, _Justice told him. _If you wish to save her, you will have to enter the fade yourself and bring her out. _

"Oh yea, because the fade has worked so well for us in the past." He muttered.

_Then she will die._


End file.
